Below are the 19 most recent journal entries recorded in mastermerlin's InsaneJournal:

Tuesday, November 11th, 2008
1:23 am	well maybe #26 will do the trick..... her name is cynthia and she seems nice. i wont bother posting a picture yet until i get a second date. but so far is been 25 misses with females 10 misses with males(all guys want is sex OMG those pigs) so far only 3 of the girls made it to a second date... they all changed their minds on me before date 2. maybe this one will be a good fit. well so far in life i've found 2 girls that meet my standards well 3 if you count lauren hargens but she was a long time ago and ill probably never find her again. and of those 2 girls that meet my standards neither one am i up to their standards. so heres hopeing that this one works out. is t possible to hold a torch for more than one person for your whole life? i used to think so but i'm starting to doubt everything i once knew and starting to want to change who i am to fit societies mold maybe ill find a way to join the military...... i hear that the navy doesn't care if you have flat feet s maybe i could join that. ok now venting over. ill update again when im able too..... dear L, i hope you can forgive me for my trespasses and the things i do wrong in this world. i will do my best to become a good man and completely change who i am if it will help on my path through this world. from chris Current Mood: contemplative (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 28th, 2008
7:22 am	never endng path through girls well to all my friends out there....all one of you i seem to be going through a rough time with girls and school and whatnot. i have gone out with a total of 25 girls now and i have found them all under my standards my life is pretty messed up right now with the police academy killing me every day.  i feel like i need someone who can support my decision to become a cop and not be so incredibly needy that she needs me to be with her every second of every day..... i'm going to have to break up with penny she is my most recent girlfriend. im tired of looking for the right person when the type i want only comes in two forms that i have seen so far and im not sure if i will find another. i wish there was a way to find people that i lost touch with because i would love to know how lauren hargens is doing........ she was my first girlfriend and we never broke up she had to move and i couldn't keep in touch..... i feel as if i have seen what the world has to offer and i'm having a hard time accepting it with so many fake people and losers out there.  im sorry i havent been on much but ill try to be better. Current Mood: contemplative (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 18th, 2008
1:15 am	girlfriend i has one her name is nikki and she looks like this. ( Read more... ) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, April 25th, 2008
7:57 am	i get to take off the bandages today Horay!!!! that is all hugs for everyone (Comment on this)
Monday, April 14th, 2008
10:16 pm	number 15 well only one thing happened today worth mentioning.... i got into a car accedent and had to go to the emergancy room but im ok now i just lost a lot of blood. i hope everyone else had a good day. my car is smashed and getting replaced soon. ill talk more later Current Music: blinded by the light (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 10th, 2008
2:52 pm	number 14 well this is for everyone who actually reads my stupid stuff. i am going away for a while i may or may not check my email or even the internet in general and i may not even answer my phone because i just am hurting that badly and i need to figure out what i am or even if i deserve to be what i am. the only number i will answer if it calls me is laura's so anyone else please just let me be for a while goodbye chris (18 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 9th, 2008
2:22 pm	number 13 ok this seems appropriate for my thirteenth post. i got drunk last night and cant remember a thing.... i now have a sore neck and small rope burns on my wrists. apparently i tried to kill myself in my sleep and was a whiny bitch....go figure well on the plus side of things i am still alive and i cant wait for police officer training. yes people thats right i am going to be a cop, pig, donut-eating-ass-with-a-badge, whatever you want to call me. well i guess thats all for now words of wisdom " don't drink " peace out Current Mood: thoughtful (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 15th, 2008
5:27 am	number 12 IM NOT BANNED FROM 4CHAN ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!! oah and im doing well. i have joined a gym and have been running lately. getting in shape for the win. thats all thats new for now. Current Mood: cheerful (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 11th, 2008
6:22 am	number 11 ok i know its been a while scince i updated last and there is a good reason for it. i have been really upset about being lied to again and i didnt want to post any more to add to the internet drama that seems to follow steph. now that thats said. i had a good day yesterday. me and mark hung out and relaxed while i looked for a job. im only looking for a job until june 9th then i will be in the police academy..... dont worry i dont plan on arresting any of my friends. i am really looking forward to the firearms training and to the tazer trainging. is it weird that i cant wait to get tazered? anyway. life is getting better now and i am feeling stronger than ever. i have been holding stricter to my original morals about people i associate with. i told a few of my former friends that if i caught them lieing to me then i would tel them to get lost and i have kept my word. the only unfortunate thing is that after telling some of them to get lost some of my other friends left me hanging. now i feel like i only have one friend in the world. but thats ok and i think it will be enough. im waiting for the barrage of hate mail to come to my journal from a lot of stephs friends and its funny because i want to see how stupid her friends will be. but thats not the point. the point is that i am ok with never talking to steph again and im even ok now with being alone. sure i miss having someone but life drudges on and ill live without someone. im no longer looking for a date but if one happens to find me then ill go with it. i have also changed my view on sex. i no longer belive that it is nessary to love the one you sleep with or even care for them just so long as both people agree to it and have fun. safe fun a type of birth control is nessesary  weither it be the pill patch or condom. i have found that working out is a big help to me and it seems to take my mind off of everything. i pushed myself to the limit the other day to see were it is and i found that i can leg-press 535 pounds O.O but i can only bench press 75 pounds waaaaaa lol i guess i shouldnt arm wrestle any way thats all i have to say for now. comment if you feel like it. Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: grandpa got run over by the beer truck : by weird al (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 14th, 2008
2:40 pm	number 10 well i guess its that time again for another semi-depressing post. well my dates went well up untill i find out that she doesnt want a relationship with me........ oah well so i guess it means the search is still on. damn i miss stephie i think that i will always love her and if she can ever get over her stupid pride and is willing to work on a relationship then maybe we can work something out. anyway thats all ill say about her for now..... sorry everyone that i brought her up. well back to a better subject. today is valentines day which is good and bad its good because so many people are happy its bad because i had to cancel the necklace and chocolate roses and playstation 2 i had ordered for steph months upon months ago when i got money from my grandma as a gift but oah well.i did get my money back tho and thats a good thing.ok fine you can all be mad at me later i have to get this off my chest. i still love steph and i miss her terribly and i cant stop thinking about her and crying because i couldnt change fast enough to make her happy. i feel almost empty inside and i have thought about ending the pain many times altho i am to chickenshit to actually do anything about it. she was my reason and my life and she was beautiful.  i have started listening to music more and i found that the nickle back song "how you remind me" fits me too well because i think it fits me and steph and now i even fit the part about drinking. i have been going to bars to try and meet someone or at least drink enough that the pain dulls.  i guess i was either smothering steph or maybe i am just not good enough to make anyone happy. i know i have probbly hurt her and i think that it is inexcuseable for me to do so.  but i loved her before i love her now and i will always love her no matter how hard she tries to hurt me or tries to get away from me or how hard she tries to get me to cut her from my journal. i will not cut her from my journal for the simple reason that i promised her i woudnt and i will never break a promise even if someone breaks their promise to me i wont break a promise i made to them. well i suppose that this was long enough. words of wisdom wear sunscreen Current Mood: lonely Current Music: complete silence (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 7th, 2008
2:58 am	number 9 well everyone i have good news today (gasp) i have a date for saturday. its with this sweet girl and we are going to just hang out and relax. i guess being a nice guy does have some perks. well thats all for now. any questions comments or silly remarks will be answered. words of wisdom if at first you dont succeed try try again. Current Mood: giddy Current Music: crickets sounds on tape (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 6th, 2008
4:02 am	number 8 well here we go again...... i guess nice guys do finish last. i tried to help someone the other day and it backfired heavily. this girl was having car trouble at school so i decided to try and help her (not that i know shit about cars but i know how to use jumper cables) well when i went over to help her and i said hi this guy comes up behind me and starts acting all defensive and gets in my face. i tried to tell him that i was just trying to help but i guess he didnt want to hear it. well i got hit and i let it go....... i just limped over to my car and drove home. yes i know i know. you can all call me a pussy but i didnt feel like fighting i was depressed enough. i dont know. but ive decided to stop trying to help people or for that case even try to be nice. people that either dont care or are mean seem to live longer or at least enjoy life more. maybe ill change my mind but life is just spiraling down the shitter lately. words of wisdom for today is in song form Come out Virginia, don't let me wait You Catholic girls start much too late aw But sooner or later it comes down to fate I might as well be the one well, They showed you a statue, told you to pray They built you a temple and locked you away Aw, but they never told you the price that you pay For things that you might have done..... Only the good die young thats what i said only the good die young x2 You might have heard I run with a dangerous crowd We ain't too pretty we ain't too proud We might be laughing a bit too loud aw But that never hurt no one So come on Virginia show me a sign Send up a signal I'll throw you the line The stained-glass curtain you're hiding behind Never lets in the sun Darlin' only the good die young woah i tell ya only the good die young x2 You got a nice white dress and a party on your confirmation You got a brand new soul mmmm, And a cross of gold But Virginia they didn't give you quite enough information You didn't count on me When you were counting on your rosary (oh woah woah) They say there's a heaven for those who will wait Some say it's better but I say it ain't I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints the Sinners are much more fun... you know that only the good die young oh woah baby i tell ya only the good die young, X2 You say your mother told you all that I could give you was a reputation Aww She never cared for me But did she ever say a prayer for me? oh woah woah Come out come out come out virgina dont let me wait, You catholic girls start much too late Sooner or later it comes down to fate I might as well be the one, You know that only the good die young I'm telling you baby You know that only the good die young Only the good die young Only the gooooooooooooooood Only the good die young Only the gooooooooooooooood Only the good die young Current Mood: screw it Current Music: only the good die young (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 5th, 2008
12:23 pm	number7 well every one update time again. i went to Oden's den last night and had a few drinks. and it was a lot of fun. i got to talk to a few older guys who told me their war storries and i played some pool and....... I WON YAY!!!!! then i chilled for a bit and talked to a few more people. there was this one girl who was talking to me for a little but nothing come of it and i drank something called Belizabub which was good. other than that nothing new really. life is still pretty bad and I'm still a little annoyed at the world. school is going well but all my views on the relationship horizon seem pretty empty. do any of you have suggestions as to where i should look? i have never really known were to look nor had i cared before now because i was thinking i wouldn't ever need to. i open to suggestions. also i am really hoping that my grades are good enough to go to FWA. well thats all for now..... i will probably go back to Oden's den on Mondays from now on because it was fun. words of wisdom if at first you don't succeed try try again. Current Mood: distant from the world Current Music: a bird outside my window (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 3rd, 2008
2:36 pm	number 6 Dear gods and godesses FUCK YOU! love chris words of wisdom god is a mean kid with a magnifying glass Current Mood: shitty Current Music: the sound of my own tears falling to the ground (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, February 1st, 2008
5:16 am	number 5 well ok now my life seems to officially suck. i doubt i will find anyone to be with me now that this fucing rumor is going around.... if you havent heard it yet then your in for a doozy. apparently i am an abusive alchoholic with a tendency to kill those who get close to me.... NOW ISNT THAT FUCKED UP!!!!!!!! i dont know who the fuck is spreading this shit around but apparenty there are a lot of people that fucking think im like this........ what did i ever do to deserve this?!?!?! so far 14 people have told me about this rumor and its pissing me off. i dont get it did i piss in someones cheerios or what? there are only a few people that i know who would be able to spread this shit around. the first one is steph but i doubt she would try and wreck me like this even if she doesnt love me anymore i mean we were together for over 5 years and thats a long fucking time so even if she hates me now (which im sure she does by the way she bit my fucking head off) i dont think she would spread such nasty rumors.....and while im on the subject of her why would she promise me something if she didnt plan on keeping it? i think that thats just low. the next one is jason my friend from school because he is known around here so he could do it but he wouldnt. the last person is me and i know i didnt do it so now im out of people that could do it so i have no clue what to do. PLEASE ANYONE GIVE ME A SUGESTION AS TO WHAT I NEED TO DO TO GET THESE RUMORS ABOUT ME TO STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oah yeah and before i forget words of wisdom when every stone is turned and every leaf is raked there will still be more work that needs doing and if you pace yourself you may just succeed in finishing your task. Current Mood: pissed the fuck off Current Music: no music just crying (34 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 29th, 2008
9:11 pm	number 4 ok i scared myself today. i was cleaning my knife and i was listening to some music when i started feeling psychotic. i started imagining killing people and it was getting me excited. i scared my friend and i was laughing and shaking. i'm better now but i don't want to do that again......i think i need to find a permanent girlfriend before i completely lose my sanity. my doc and shrink think that a relationship is the only way for me to be stable and that without one ill probably fall apart or worse start killing people. i'm truly scared of myself now and i think i need professional help. i'm sorry for scaring you and i'm sorry for bothering anyone else. words of wisdom for this time. let us not love in word on speech but in deed and in truth for love is not a thought but an action. live well my friends Current Mood: terrified of myself Current Music: every song sting ever recorded (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, January 25th, 2008
9:06 am	number 3 well everyone ive got a date tonight with this girl named roxanne and she seems really nice. she is about 5'2'' and weighs about 100 pounds and is asian. she has apparently been looking for someone for a while and just wants to have some fun.....whatever that means. in other news class is going great and thats good news for me. i will be going to FWA in febuary...YAY and lets see what else is new......... well i still cant get myself to work but thats ok.....it may hurt but ill deal with it. im taking all questions you ask ill answer. words of wisdom "there are two types of men in this world those who stay in their proper place and those with their foot in the other ones face" Current Mood: havent slept in days Current Music: my teachers boring lecture (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 15th, 2008
4:05 am	number 2 well in case anyone cares i think its funny to number my posts instead of putting a subject. lol im such a dork. well ok i need to free myself from some things on my mind. first does anyone think its weird that i still keep thinking that i need too talk to steph and work things out? next is it really necessary for everyone to hide things from me? there is only two people in my life right now that are not hiding shit from me. one of wich will never see this and the other who knows i think this already. well i am no longer hurting and i am thinking of starting to date again. lol yeah me dateing who would have guessed. im thinking ill start hanging out at bars around me because that seems to be were everyone is. well i feel very relived that i dont have to worry anymore how i spend my time. yeah i can actually just goof off and play with the dogs if i feel like it. the only problem im having right now is i cant seem to cum no matter how much i try. go figure that i would need help even in that department. on the upside i am going to fwa in febuary and i might get some tail there. ok ive wasted all of your times long enough. words of wisdom " without tears the soul has no rainbow" yeah i know its a strange proverb but i saw it at school today secondary words of wisdom "when someone kicks your heart to the gutter pick it up and give it to someone else" ok have fun everyone Current Mood: its fucking freezing Current Music: deathscream by a band from school called deathcorpnightmare (13 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 10th, 2008
3:01 am	number one well ill give this journal thing another try because i need to get my feelings down somewere. well i failed my class last session so i will have to take it again......damn i often think now that mabe i deserve everything that happens to me and that i should just leave everyone alone because they would be better off without me. i wish i understood things better but i never will... my brain just doesnt work that way. can anyone tell me if i have a target on my head that says "be mean to" because im tired of haveing people hurt me. yesterday this girl from school that i turned down because i was with steph came up to me and asked me if id like to go out and get a drink or coffee sometime. i said yes then she replied with "oah wait your taken arnt you?" i told her the truth that i wasnt anymore and that i was still hurting some so she laughed at me and very harshly said "good i hope you enjoy being alone hahaha" then she walked off. i cant function very well right now and i think i need some help getting myself put back together. im not actually asking for help i just would like to be heard. overall the days get harder and harder but the nights are the worst....i think the radio hates me. i have heard nothing but either heartrenching songs or songs that remind me of my pain. the only thing that i found that helped me i cant do because i dont know my own strength. i didnt mean to break his rib but we got out of hand and i hit him to hard. on the plus side my ribs are starting to feel better. well i guess that fills my post quota for now. ill post again if i need to but i doubt that anyone will care to read this. have good lives and treat each other well. i find that i cant watch tv or play D&D anymore or even write poetry or paint. everything reminds me of how much i hurt inside. oah well i seem to be turning to video games a lot more now. final words of wisdom dont give your heart to anyone because they everyone will hurt you in the end. Current Mood: hurting Current Music: bagpipe version of amazing grace...damnit (59 Comments |Comment on this)